An idiot’s guide to surviving the recession

Latvia have found an original way of coping during their own economic slump by having a parade on Sunday, consisting entirely of blondes. The event will also include golf, a concert and contests to find the best “blonde lawyer” among other things. This of course is mere distraction. There must be more effective ways of surviving the recession and here are my top ten.

1. Start up a bank that actually gives out loans. With the financial industry somewhat shy at the moment, there is a vast expanse in the market of giving credit and I intend to fill it with a little hut on the high street.

Time to come clean over expenses

I like to think I will go to great lengths in my job, sparing no expense to fulfil my duties. It appears that MPs are also doing the same!

With the current public outcry over MPs expenses, I am slightly concerned that the attention of the Daily Telegraph will soon shift to the civil service. As a member of this fine establishment, it is surely only a matter of time before we are caught up in this web of intrigue and my own expenses are investigated.

Dreaming of dogs and tongues

Some dreams are terrifying, many are bizarre, few are memorable, but sometimes all three combine.

A few months ago I woke up shaking and dripping with sweat, reaching for my tongue to see if it was still there. Fortunately it was. Star, my parents puppy was not running around their living room with my tongue in her mouth, having somehow managed to prise it out, and all was well.