The Teddy Bears’ Picnic

I feel we have been misled. Before moving home, we tried to paint an accurate picture of the house and its surroundings, to make sure there would be no surprises. A previous blog post identifies that we failed miserably. However, I at least presumed that we would be moving to a quiet neighbourhood. No-one warned us that we would be treated to a daily rendition of The Teddy Bears’ Picnic. I’m certain that had we known, we could have haggled another couple of hundred off the asking price.

“If you go down into the woods today… you’re sure for a big surprise”, goes the song. That surprise, it turns out is not something menacing or sinister, but a group of teddy bears having a picnic, which to be fair, would be a bit of a surprise!

Had I written this song, I would probably have changed the location of this picnic. A park seems much more appropriate than the woods, because while a park is an equally suitable location for a picnic, it is without the menacing undertones of the woods. Woods are where you would expect to find dead bodies, witches hideouts and other such things of a sinister nature. A park on the other hand brings images of feeding ducks and a gentle kickabout – a much more suitable location for a bears day out and subsequent tea party.

However, the menacing undertones of this tune are somehow appropriate. This daily rendition is nothing short of a menace. The reason for it is to signal the arrival of an ice cream van, which has diversified into hot dogs and burgers. The message of the song is not to send us off to the woods in search of a mysterious occurrence, but to lure us to part with our hard-earned cash… or perhaps more appropriately to lure children to part with their parents’ hard-earned cash.

Having not previously worked in an ice cream van, I’m not aware whether these things have a volume control button, but I suspect that if they do, this particular van has been turned up to eleven.

I might try something tomorrow. I might pretend to place an order.

“Would you like an ice cream?” they might ask. “Perhaps a Cornetto?”

“No thank you”, I’ll reply. “But I’d like to give you an ASBO!”